THE QUEEN OF THE TEARLING
by Erika Johansen
Her throne awaits . . . if she can live long enough to take it.
It was on her nineteenth birthday that the soldiers came for Kelsea Glynn. They’d come to escort her back to the place of her birth – and to ensure she survives long enough to be able to take possession of what is rightfully hers.
But like many nineteen-year-olds, Kelsea is unruly, has high principles and believes she knows better than her elders. Unlike many nineteen-year-olds, she is about to inherit a kingdom that is on its knees – corrupt, debauched and dangerous.
Kelsea will either become the most fearsome ruler the kingdom has ever known . . . or be dead within the week.
Random POV Land
Holy, freaking, goodness. There were so many random POVs in this story and for NO REASON! They added absolutely nothing to the actual story, or plot, or movement, or… well, anything! They were just there for the sake of being there? Maybe because the main character was so gosh darn boring and annoying and BLAH BLAH BLAH that we have to try and relieve your desire to bash your skull against a wall so we throw in random POVs. RAWR!
Implausible Main Character
My. God. Kelsea was raised in isolation with literally no human contact outside of two aging caretakers and has never seen the world outside of a little cabin in the middle of NOWHERE and yet she knows EVERY GOD DAMN THING ABOUT EVERYTHING?!?! Are you kidding me right now?! How does she know what a circus is? Did you happen to read THAT in a book too?!?! Oh. Don’t even get me started on the excessive need for book-plugging in this story…. Too late. (see below)
But first! One more thing about Kelsea (okay, two more because there’s more below). Kelsea is extremely annoying for two reasons:
- Her excessive need to contradict herself CONSTANTLY. One minute she says ‘no’ and the next she says ‘yes’ and it’s not like there is ANYTHING in there that caused the change because she definitely goes BACK to ‘no’ like three seconds later!! GOD! Do you even know who you are?!
- Why are you so Gosh Darn vain? This is such a huge topic in this story and it really bothers me how it’s approached and how Kelsea approaches it and how it’s such a BAD thing. Vanity is bad, yes, but being pretty isn’t. Stop preaching your personal views in your fiction. NOW!
Books are a Freakin’ Godsend (said every fantasy story EVER!)
“Books are amazing!”
“Books are everything!”
“Books teach us so much!”
“Books are more important than people and being smart and blah blah blah!”
“OH! And you know the best book? Harry Potter. Lord of the Rings. Hobbit! NAME DROP! NAME DROP! NAME DROP!”
GOD! Stop name dropping popular modern day books in your broken, futuristic fantasy-society. All you’re doing is making me hate your main character more because she APPARENTLY only likes mainstream fiction. ESPECIALLY because books were supposedly completely obliterated and lost and what not and yet OF the billions upon trillions of books that exist nowadays, THOSE are the ones that made it?! Not like… a Gutenberg Bible or… Shakespeare or… Dr. Seuss?! Uh-uh. I don’t believe it. Just stop already. Kay, thanks!
Also, why don’t you stop making the entire story about books and actually get to the plot or the politics or, I don’t know, ANYTHING OTHER THAN BOOKS. I swear books came up so often in this story that I don’t think Kelsea was actually the main character. I think books were the main character.
What’s more? She’s self-righteous as absolute crap! Why don’t you stop pointing out all the flaws that caused modern day society to fail and create your futuristic society and get on with the damn story! Or, I don’t know, write a story at all! The main character is so implausible that it’s atrocious!
You know why else I hate the fact that Kelsea is self-righteous? Because it just sums up the package of why SHE makes the PERFECT queen. She’s self-righteous. She’s accepting of everyone. She’s plain and therefore not vain. She’s super, mega powerful for no apparent reason. She is going to save the kingdom despite having NO political training or ANYTHING. Oh! And none of the actions of this long-lost princess who’s been in hiding and has suddenly come out of nowhere to reclaim her throne, has ANY consequences. God. Perfect, mary-sue main character, much? Yeah. No.
Science in Fantasy
Oh. I… I don’t even know where to start with this because this particular piece is the MOST infuriating out of everything else in the story. You know what that is? A fantasy story with magic throwing in SCIENCE like they know everything. YOU DON’T! You got it wrong! Stop teaching people WRONG things about science! I am SOOO damn annoyed with people putting FALSE science in their fiction and making it the reason for a plot. STOP! Stop screwing with things you don’t know because you’re just FUCKING it up! That is NOT how it works and therefore should NOT be used for your plot or reasoning. GOD!