Or, how I almost discovered the secret of the mermaids like three times over
Or, that time I acquired the curse of the mermaids
*Insert post where we all squeal and gush about mermaids*
Oh wait, this doesn’t work that way? Okay, fine. Here’s the post where we all squeal and gush about mermaids:
That Time I Could Have Been a Mermaid, but Slept Instead
I remember vividly when my next-door neighbor told me about the mermaids. How she ran away to the town park (because don’t all adventures start with a child running away from their dull life?). How at precisely midnight the playground transformed into a lake. How a mermaid swam to the surface and promised we could be transformed into mermaids at the stroke of midnight (when all magic happens) if we all run away there together.
Luckily or unluckily for us, we never woke up at midnight to actually run away and turn into mermaids. For weeks we would see each other the next morning and say, “Dang it! I slept through our chance.” “Oh it’s okay, I did too. We’ll wake up tonight.” “Yes tonight.” And every night the Sandman won, and the mermaids never stood a chance. The life I might have lived, right? Apparently I wasn’t dedicated enough to lose my beauty sleep. Either that or I didn’t quite believe in magic yet, darnit!
That’s when the curse began.
That Time I Hardcore Prepared to Grow Fins for My 13th Birthday
After watching Disney’s “The 13th Year”, I was ready to find out I was adopted/rescued from a fishing boat and actually had biological mermaid-parents. Never mind that my parents live nowhere near the ocean – my mermaid parents were probably in that magical lake at the playground. Realistically, my adoptive parents probably rescued me from the tire swing, not a fishing boat.
Ever the curious hopeful, I of course tested it out – just to make sure I’d know if I had mermaid heritage. I couldn’t hold my breath much more than a minute. I couldn’t swim hardly at all, let alone with my legs together – pretending they’re bound by a tail like any proper mermaid of course. And I sure wasn’t able to stick to walls, let alone climb them like the 12-year-old in the movie.
My 13th birthday came and went with no fins or mer-parents to show for it.
That Time I Grew Up but Still Found Definitive Proof that Mermaids Exist
The Discovery channel mockumentary – they say “mock” instead of “doc” because it’s not proven, but it’s obviously some government regulation going on there. The show had footage about how mermaids exist and have been found the world over, but the government keeps covering it up. The show directed to a website with even more proof, but lo and behold, of course all you find is a page that says the website has been taken down by – you guessed it – the government.
I’m not much for conspiracy theories, but ya’ll, if you’re going to hop on a conspiracy theory bandwagon, can we all agree that this is *the* one? J
Perfectly sensible people say this is just fun pretend – create a movie and say the government is keeping the info hush-hush, then have a webpage where the movie creators post legit-looking government info saying the website is taken down.
But who ever wanted to be a sensible person anyhow?
I’m going to blame either the naysayers or the government for my lack of ability to purchase this in DVD format anywhere. Darn Discovery Channel, get with the “I want to own this” program! But until then, I at least can spread the word about this fantastical development and beg for someone to give me their TV sign-in info so I can watch the mock-documentaries anytime I please here: https://www.animalplanet.com/tv-shows/mermaids/ Seriously though, send me your log-in; I’m practically a mermaid so you want to stay on my good side.
That Time Mermaids were Stolen From My Novel:
The final most-recent proof that mermaids will forever just barely elude me is this:
The Little Mermaid is coming to theaters, but it’s not the Little Mermaid you know and love. It’s the Little Mermaid you know and love more.
A *circus* mermaid whose soul was stolen by the ringmaster. *squeal* and I can’t wait to see the movie. Like seriously, what could be better than a circus mermaid? Answer: Nothing, I tell you, nothing.
But also this is basicly my Work-In-Progress novel, only my story forgot the mermaids. That’s right, I’ve got the investigator, the stealing-soul-kinda ringmaster, the trapped circus performers, BUT I DON’T HAVE A MERMAID! What was I thinking….but now it’s too late to do anything but admire from the theater seat – with a bucket of butter & salt on popcorn and a soda the size of my face – the story I should have made.
That Time I Issue a Dire Warning to You Dear Readers:
Life lesson: Don’t sleep through the night! Get up, go to the magical lake at the stroke of midnight. Otherwise mermaids will laugh at you and spite you and taunt you forever. Elusive sirens indeed. Listen to the call of the sirens before it’s too late. They are vicious and unforgiving. Follow them before you’re exiled to a life of almost encounters like mine. Go live your mermaid life and I’ll admire from afar.
Amy L Sauder has been called both “Quirky Meta Mystery” and “Walking Fairytale,” and she can’t decide which is the highest compliment.
Since gaining her English Lit degree, she has studied creative writing and dabbled in other arts she probably has no business dabbling in. Amy strongly believes that in some parallel universe her clumsy self figured out how to be a trapeze artist. In any universe, she’s also passionate about mac n cheese and red hair, but that’s beside the point.
You can follow her creative journey at amylsauder.wordpress.com, from the “Once Upon” to the “Ever After” and every point in between.
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