So… I’m not… really sure where to even start with this post…
I guess I’ll just start with the simplest, most basic, easily understandable aspect of this post:
Please don’t misunderstand me in thinking that this was an easy decision to make. I have spent months pondering it, discussing it with a variety of people – friends, family, random people I meet in work and online – because this is a big deal. It will change my life. But… at the end of the day, I just… I have to do this. I have to quit. I have to make time for me and focus on what’s good for myself (and my pup), and right now I just… haven’t had the time to devote to either of us and it’s been noticeable. So… after enough consideration to drive a normal person sane…
I have decided to quit.
WHAAAAAT?! I know, crazy, right?
(And I really hope I got some of you thinking I meant blogging. hahahaha!)
Yes, I’m evil. 😈
I mean, many of you know have followed my blog for a while and know how long I’ve been working on this (two years, two states, two grad schools, and EIGHT laboratories later). I’ve hit every possible hiccup, pothole, and wrong turn imaginable and I still was determined to do it! I mean, what was the point in quitting at just a single problem? I had gone through so much already, how could anything really be bad enough to keep me from finishing? I’m nothing if not resilient, stubborn, and determined! (I actually took a resilience test that said I rank 90% in being proactive when shit hits the fan. 😎)
But I cave.
And before you go about judging me and telling me I’m a whiny, little, spoiled bitch who needs to toughen up and not throw away all that I worked for, let me stop you right there. This was not a split second decision. This was actually something I have been struggling with since before I started graduate school the second time. I’ve been concerned about whether grad school was right for me for months! And I have literally broken down in TEARS over this decision because I KNOW what a huge opportunity I am throwing away and how much this decision is going to change my life.
But also, if you’re judging me, go fuck yourself.
My life. My decisions.
I would much rather throw away everything I have spent the last 8 years of my life working towards for the chance to be happy and sane and healthy than continuing on a path that has led MANY a young adult into therapy and requiring medication just to remain mentally stable. Thanks, but I care more about my life than that.
And I realized that the only reason I had gone to get my PhD in the first place was because:
a) I couldn’t get a job with just a bachelor’s in genetics.
b) I thought it was what I was supposed to do.
I literally had and still have NO interest in getting a PhD. I don’t want it and I would much rather step aside and make room for someone else to follow their dreams and make a difference than be selfish or ambitious or whatever when I know I don’t have good reasons for being there.
So yeah. That’s my tirade for the day. I quit. I take my last final exam on Wednesday, May 2nd and then I’m done! And I’ll be moving back into the workforce like a normal adult. 😛
P.s. I am actually hoping to have time once I’m done to get back into Youtubing and I plan to make a series regarding my experience at grad school and how students can better prepare themselves so they don’t go through what I went through.